A few months ago, someone shared one of my old quotes on social media.
The quote is from a few years ago when I used to write general marriage advice geared towards helping women address conflict and improve communication in marriage.
But I’ve since changed how I write about marriage (here’s a post with more details), and I’d say things much differently today.
I left my thoughts in her comments because I wanted others who had seen her reshare to read my current position. (Her comment section was filled with “please pray for my marriage!” which I now know can also be code for “my husband is not taking responsibility.”)
Today, I would like to expand on the comment I left on that thread. I know I can’t fix the internet but where possible I can still update the part that is mine.
I have accepted that good intentions are not enough. And that’s my hope now when I write: I want to encourage the good-intentioned to do better and affirm those harmed by unhealthy marriage messages.
(P.S. The old quote is from one of the books I’ve been revising. Months of revision later, the manuscript is now with the editor! I’m excited and can’t wait to share it with you!)
How Not to Shame Women Who Want Better Marriages: The Quote
Here’s the old quote that was reshared: I’ve blurred her handle because my goal is to share my own growth.
“I have yet to meet a man who transformed because his wife nagged, shamed, controlled, and manipulated him to it. But I know of men who changed because a wife got on her knees and prayed!”
Let’s talk about the issues with these words:
First, I compared apples to oranges and mixed everything up.
Yes, authentic, lasting change is something individuals choose: a partner can’t make their spouse grow. Individual change cannot be forced.
A healthy approach in a relationship is for partners to name and communicate their boundaries, expectations, and aspirations. Their voicing of these things can then become a starting point that sets a dual-change process in motion.
Change in motion looks like the other person choosing to pick up the ball on the other side. Each person stays in the driver’s seat of their life.
Individual change will disrupt an existing marriage dynamic but it doesn’t fix or change the other person.
But here’s the deal. Women are often accused of manipulation and nagging when they name their experiences, spell out expectations, and refuse to back down.
They are labeled controlling when they establish mature boundaries and enforce consequences for their violations. They are mocked for protecting their joy and peace.
They are shamed for just wanting a connection that honors both people. So women already feel pressured to be nice and easy and not take up too much space.
Using language that feeds the narrative that women just need to be less is not how you help both people take responsibility in marriage. There’s a way to support and help without relying on stereotypes, gender assumptions, and half-thoughts.
And about those half-thoughts, no people don’t just change because someone else prayed. There’s more to growth and change than prayer. Change and fruit-bearing is an individual decision, not something someone else prays into existence.
How Not to Shame Women Who Want Better Marriages: A Healthier Path
It takes two willing people to generate enduring change in a relationship. If one person has dialed out, the other can’t dial-in on their behalf.
In marriages where the problem is a lack of personal responsibility by one spouse, their mate needs clarity and affirmation that making life-giving (vs. soul-sucking) choices is okay.
In mutual, honoring, and well-adjusting marriages, spouses need to be equipped to grow and mature in a way that does not make one person feel more responsible for the process. A healthy marriage takes two willing, maturing people.
I left my thoughts in her comments because I wanted others who had seen the quote to read my current thoughts. Here’s the comment in full:
“Thanks for sharing my work. I wrote those words a few years ago but I have since changed my mind. There was context to what I was saying but there’s no context that can save this quote as it stands. I’d say things completely differently. Most importantly, I would not drag wives for having a grown-up expectation of their relationship. I’d most certainly not say prayer alone changes husbands. Even then I knew there was more to change than just praying it away (and) I still juxtaposed that with nag, shame, and manipulate. There’s more that goes into individual change than spiritual “interventions” by another.”
You can’t Fix a Bad Marriage By Yourself
You can’t fix a bad marriage by yourself. But a lot of evangelical teachings tell women they can. But when one person is encouraged to adopt a “team” mindset while the other is allowed to continue, unchecked about their self-centeredness, the result is endless pain. I wrote Courage: Reflections and Liberation for Hurting Soul for the woman tired of harming theology and bad marriage advice. You deserve better. Get Courage Now
