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When Lori and I got married, we both knew she had some significant issues due to being molested as a child and raped in college. And we assumed our problems with sex were all about that. She was broken. We both knew it.
Thing is, I was broken too. Both sexually and in other ways. And Lori was broken in non-sexual ways. It took me far too long to realise that my past and my injuries were contributing to our difficulties, both in and out of bed. I was not happy to realise this fact, but once I did and started to work on those things, we got healthier and stronger at a much faster rate.
You and your wife are both broken. It may be more obvious in one of you. It may be more significant for one of you. But you both have issues that you need to work on if you’re going to be healthy and happy as individuals and as a couple.
One place this comes up is when one spouse commits adultery. Clearly, the one who sinned is wrong, and clearly there is something in their past that moved them to do what they did. So the couple, and possibly a counsellor, focus on the one who cheated. That’s great, but the other spouse is also broken, and at some point that needs to be addressed if the marriage is going to fully heal.
Beyond that, something like adultery doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It is rare for men or women in healthy, happy marriages to commit adultery. If the “victim” spouse has contributed to the marriage being bad, that was part of what was behind the one who committed adultery choosing to do so. This is not blaming the victim. It is not an attempt to excuse the one who sinned. It’s just reality.
The same thing is true in other areas. Just because your wife did something wrong, doesn’t mean you didn’t play a part. And just because she is obviously broken doesn’t mean you’re just fine. Sometimes the more broken spouse is being blocked by something the less broken spouse needs to deal with. If a couple really wants a good marriage, then both of them have to be willing to deal with all of their broken areas.
So where are you broken? How is that hurting your wife, your children, and your marriage? Are you doing anything about it?
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly vis stockdreams.ai
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