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When I did a number of posts on false choices I had intended to do one on false choices in sex, but got side tracked. So here we go…
I see many couples miss out sexually because of false choices and other poorly worded questions:
- False Choice: Can we have sex now? A yes or no question.
- Better Choice: Can we have sex today? This is open to things like “I think I can do it later” or “Yes, if you help get the kids to bed.”
- False Choice: Do you want to have sex? If she doesn’t, then “no” is not saying she won’t have sex, it’s an honest answer to the question you asked.
- Better Choice: Would you have sex with me? She might be willing because she loves you – and she might get into it once you start. If you want sex, ask for it!
- False Choice: Are you horny? Some women rarely feel horny, but can often be made to feel that way.
- Better Choice: Would you be opposed to making out? This is an offer to get her horny.
- False Choice: Why won’t you _____? This puts her on the defensive.
- Better Choice: What would make it easier for you to try ______? Assumes willingness, and asks how you can help make it happen.
- False Choice: Do you like it better when I ____ or _____. This assumes she likes one or both, which may not be the case.Does the mess of sex bother you? Does it bother you so much you sometime say no or don’t enjoy sex? Here are some ways to deal with that.
- Better Choice: Do you like it when I _____? What about when I ______?
- False Choice: I know you’re tired/not feeling like it/stressed, but would you have sex with me? You may have miss judged what she is feeling, which is likely to irritate her, and irritation is not a good way to get sex.
- Better Choice: Are you feeling up to having sex? This shows you are concerned about her feelings and situation, but does not put words in her mouth.
I realise some of these seem like minor issues where your bride could easily correct you. However, if she is uptight about sex, or talking about sex, you don’t want to give her any additional obstacle. She may give the simple but inaccurate answer just to avoid having to discuss it more deeply.
[This post first appeared July 7, 2012.]
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