The “scorched earth” or “nuclear option” approach to control is the ugly result of deciding if you can’t be in control, then the next best thing is to make sure your wife is not in control either. It becomes okay, more or less, not being in control because you have ensured she doesn’t have any control. Any hint of control is attacked, and fairly stupid things are done in the name of making sure your spouse has as little control as you have. The methods for doing this are most of the ones I listed in 10 Sneaky Ways Men Try to Control Their Wives and Control Dynamics in Marriage: Common Pitfalls and Better Solutions.
The less extreme and far more common form of this is done selectively; either in a few areas, or only when you’re feeling especially out of control. This form is less obvious, both to the one doing it, and the victim. Think about it a bit, does this explain something your wife does from time to time? Does it explain something you do from time to time? Does it explain some problem area of your marriage?
If you’re on the receiving end of this, study your lady and try to learn to anticipate when it is going to happen. Once it happens, you’re not dealing with her at her most rational, and your best options are to try to de-escalate the situation or just walking away as best as you can. If you realise you’ve done this to your wife, try to figure out what triggers it so you have a chance of preventing it before you get too far in to see or care.
[This post first appeared Sept 10, 2012.]
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with stockdreams.ai
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