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Today is a guest post about blended families – a topic that has been requested.
One of my favorite expressions is one I’ve heard from various people, but it always makes me smile. I heard it again recently from a coach who was teaching people about how to become a professional speaker, and he said, “It’s simple, but it’s not easy.” That’s how I feel about having a better blended/stepfamily as well.
The truth is, if you’re part of a blended or stepfamily, you have zero (and I mean zero) control over what happens in the other household(s). However, I see and work with many families who haven’t yet accepted that, and it is a source of endless frustration to them. “Why won’t my ex [fill in the blank with desired action/outcome they do but their ex doesn’t, or doesn’t do in the same way]?!?!” Or “If my ex would just stop [fill in the blank with frustrating action/outcome of the ex they’re complaining about], then this wouldn’t be an issue.”
Full disclosure: I was also guilty of this not long after my divorce. In fact, I was so dumb as to go complain to my ex-wife’s father about her actions. After listening to me patiently, he said, “Joel, if you couldn’t get her to do what you wanted when you were married, what on earth makes you think you can get her to do what you want her to now that you’re divorced?”
And it hit me like a thunderbolt: he’s exactly right. So instead of being always angry or frustrated at my ex, I had to start letting go of what happened in her house and start focusing on what I could control. From that situation, I developed the Two Pillars for a better blended family. They’re simple, but they’re not easy.
Pillar One: Be the adult you want your children to become. Nobody’s perfect, but if you’re in a blended/stepfamily or a single-parent situation, your children need you even more to be a great example for them. So live the way you want them to live. Speak the way you want them to speak. Don’t just tell them how you think they should act; model it for them consistently so they see it lived out. They need that example.
Pillar Two: Remember the Golden Rule and treat others the way you want to be treated. This is closely related and even overlaps with Pillar One, and it is every bit as important. Your children learn to treat others by how they see you treat others (including the children themselves). They need you to show them how to respond to difficult situations, how to treat people when they are unkind or even downright spiteful, and how to react with maturity when things don’t go their way.
Your children are counting on you to teach them how to become responsible adults, how to pursue virtue and live lives worthy of the name. It’s up to us as the adults to model that for them, including how we treat others. As I said: it’s simple, but it’s not easy.
Joel is a divorced and remarried father of amazing daughters. He and his wife Maryellyn have been married for 10 years and have a beautiful toddler daughter. They live in Alabama with their two rescue dogs Bruiser and Butterscotch. For more info on blended/stepfamily life, you can connect with Joel on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or LinkedIn (@joelwhawbaker) or through www.stepdadding.com. You can also check out his 10CBF Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts.
Joel is a divorced and remarried father of amazing daughters. He and his wife Maryellyn have been married for 10 years and have a beautiful toddler daughter. They live in Alabama with their two rescue dogs Bruiser and Butterscotch. For more info on blended/stepfamily life, you can connect with Joel on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or LinkedIn (@joelwhawbaker) or through www.stepdadding.com. You can also check out his 10CBF Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts.Image Credit: © fizkes | stock.adobe.com & Joel W Hawbaker
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