“Not all churches.”
Every so often, after reading my writings about marital and religious harm, someone will decide to let everybody know that what they just read does not apply to every situation.
I am okay with fine distinction.
But where there’s a history of minimizing, deflecting, and blame-shifting whenever harm is called out, we need to ask ourselves why prompt “corrections,” in self-explanatory contexts, is a go-to.
Some of the common come-backs to these straightforward contexts (e.g., “behavior x hurts”) include
- “My pastor is not like that.”
- “Not all churches are like that.”
- “Not all marriages.”
- “We need to talk about all the other good churches so people don’t think all churches are like that.”
- “I know many good guys and my husband is one of them.”
Again, specificity is fine. However, sometimes the problem is not that someone is not specific enough.
Sometimes, the problem is that Christians are invested in flattering, pleasant experiences, so much so that they suppose they are failing in faith if harrowing experiences do not conclude with a “redemptive” spin. Read More Of “Testimonies”, Bewildering Hallelujahs and the Christian Reluctance to Sit with Hard Stories
But like I said last week, God doesn’t need anyone bypassing or making something to be what it isn’t to attain some happy “Christian” ideal.
The truth is, we can call things as they are: Naming our experiences and acknowledging the truth of our realities is actually a critical component of walking in truth.
Are you tired of religious refrains being used to justify your hurting reality? Have you been told to take your place in the valley of desolation? Are you injured by wolves dressed in sheep’s clothing? Are you walking through life with a broken, disjointed soul? Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul is for women who are tired of harmful theology and bad marriage advice. You deserve more. Order “Courage” on Amazon I PDF
“Not all Marriages” Response: It’s Not Always About You
It is important to remember that not all discussions focus on examining “normal relationship struggles.”
Some forums and discussions center the experiences of those in chronically hurting relationships and systems. Put another way, just because you’re good and healthy doesn’t mean everybody else is.
Those without your “normal range” marriage issues also deserve a space to lament, explore, learn, and grow. They deserve to know when a relationship has departed from the intent and boundaries of healthy relating and into something else.
They deserve to know when their connection is no longer based on truth, honesty, and loyalty and when it becomes necessary to prioritize individual safety and well-being over a team mindset.
Their experiences are valid and deserving of equal space and compassion. Their existence is not a competition. There’s no “agenda” against churches or marriages. People are not talking about what hurts and how to heal because they woke up one morning and decided to “hate” the church or marriage.
Fact, and as we’ll explore shortly, committed Christians actually love the church and safe healthy Christian communities. They love their spouses and families. They are not looking for a way out. They’d love a way through. Read More Christian Women Are Not Escaping Healthy Marriages
So these forums which feel so threatening to some Christians are actually a lifeline to many who’ve been told their hellish experiences are typical/something they, as targets of harm or chronic irresponsibility, need to work on.
And as faith spaces, we must all understand that encouraging, lifting, and affirming (Vs. grumbling, correcting, sermonizing) those in the depths of chronically hurting marriages and systems is what we’re supposed to be about as Christians.
(PS. This section is a reminder to those of us who need to stop centering ourselves and our good experiences in other people’s hurting stories. It is not for those who’ve suffered devastation and, in their healing journey, are learning about safe relationships and value the reminder that safe, healthy marriages do indeed exist.)
“Not all Churches” Response: Understanding Religious and Relationship Abuse and Trauma
Alongside the “not all churches” and “not all marriages” responses, many Christians (intentionally or not) do not understand religious or relationship harm.
Evangelical and conservative faith spaces will often accuse those who leave church buildings of lacking faith, not being serious with God, or being overly sensitive.
It’s that same mindset that leads to Christians piling on those who create boundaries with immature, irresponsible individuals or who seek life-saving divorces/separation with responses like
- “They lack Christ-like love.”
- “They are flaky.”
- “They don’t want to fight for their relationships.”
- “Their expectations are too high.”
- “They expect perfection from imperfect people.”
I think it’s way past due to accept that evangelical Christianity has it wrong.
Those who hurt deeply loved deeply: Often, the most committed get the most hurt. Those who give their soul and life to the success of a relationship/belief system tend to be the ones plunged into the depths of grief when their commitment is thrown back to their face.
Think about it: if people were as shallow as they are accused of being, why the hurt? Why the lamentation if church and relationships didn’t matter? If it didn’t matter staying, it wouldn’t matter leaving.
If they were the “last-in-first-out” church people*, if community never mattered, to begin with, there’d be no gash on their hearts, no pain as they audit their wounding – you don’t really mourn for something you didn’t have/think you had.
It’s the givers of resources, time, and soul who feel the gut punch when faith communities drop the ball repeatedly. It’s the givers in marriage who anguish and hurt when their commitment is betrayed, and they are treated as disposable.
We all need to get this: if it didn’t matter *then*, it wouldn’t matter *now.* I’m hoping for a day when more of us understand religious and relationship abuse and trauma and stop characterizing the injured as superficial gripers who didn’t love or care enough.
Because they really did. And their exit or criticisms should lead to our reflecting and growing, not our pontificating and regressing.
You Can’t Fix a Bad Marriage by Yourself.
Sometimes, the problem in Christian marriages is that one person is encouraged to have a “team mindset” while the other is allowed to carry on, unconfronted about their self-centeredness. Sometimes, the problem is that one partner absorbs all the responsibilities of relating while the other “enjoys” the benefits. The gap between what happens to us in relationships and how we are taught to respond is why I wrote Courage: Reflections and Liberation for Hurting Soul. You deserve better. Order “Courage” book on Amazon I PDF
